My Noir Story
My Noir Story, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a woman who does not exist. Juliette Noir, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.
My name is Juliette Noir, or rather it isn't but that's what you can call me. I am a fairly typical guy for most of the time, I have a family, a good job, I like movies, I run and cycle to keep fit and I have some interesting hobbies.
Like many men who get far too invested in their pursuits, I have chosen to dedicate this entire site to one of those hobbies. However it's important to me that you realise that what you are seeing is me, just an outward appearance of me that only accounts for about 5% of my daily activity.
So let's talk about beginnings, challenges, triumphs and failures.
I really couldn't say when I first knew I was a crossdresser, I've been at this in one form or another for over 30 years and in many ways I'm still finding my feet and my voice.
What I do know is that I've never really fit in with many of my peers and I've tended to keep myself on the outside of most groups.
Early memories revolve around a fascination with dresses, skirts, underwear etc.. However, I really had no conscious idea of what I was doing or feeling. I felt what I now know is a typical sense of shame and confusion about these leanings and like many people in my situation, I hid this deep down as best as possible.
Sometimes however, we take steps that have a more permanent affect on our lives. Growing body hair as an adolescent wasn't a relief to me but an annoyance. At 16 I shaved my legs for the first time and then spent many weeks trying to avoid gym and anything that would reveal them.
As a young man I lived with these desires and urges as best as possible but I did little to act on them openly. I had too many issues with education, job searches and fledgling relationships to spend time on an alternative lifestyle.
These are the typical daily adventures of a late-teens / early 20's man, there's no great disaster or tragedy here, just daily, youthful angst and concerns about the future.
Throughout these years, I buried Juliette (she didn't have a name then) and kept my desires under wraps. I now believe that some of that suppression led me to my greatest vice and crutch.
Coping with alcohol
I spent much of my late teens and 20's drunk. To put that into perspective, at my peak I was drinking 2-3 bottles of wine a day and smoking 20-30 cigarettes.
I won't go into stories about incidents but I will say that I know that I was to some degree depressed and drinking to cope with that depression. I also weighed about 100 kilos or 220 pounds at the time and was comfort eating to a degree that was at least unhealthy if nothing worse.
I can't explain why I stopped drinking when I did but I knew I needed to do something for the sake of my health. I didn't go to AA meetings, I couldn't gel with their message. What I did do was spend a few evenings really examining my life and looking at my choices. I chose not to drink for one evening and simply took it one day at a time.
That was over 12 years ago.
Once I quit drinking, my life changed quite dramatically. I quit smoking after about another 2 months and in the same time I lost almost all of the excess weight.
I regained my confidence in myself but I also lost most of my friends as I avoided pubs, alcohol, cigarettes and tempting situations. To be frank, I needed to focus on me and I shut out much of the outside world. I stopped worrying about the future and looked more to the now (very Yoda).
This is when Juliette first got her name as I entered my 30's. I wasn't looking for a relationship and I had a little more money now that I wasn't spending every penny on my emotional crutches.
I bought a wig, breastforms, clothes, makeup. I dressed at home and visited chatrooms. Essentially the same things that everyone does. I tried to work out what I was and how I wanted to live my life and I feel I was very close to a point where I might have openly embraced Juliette as a part of my daily life. Not ever in a transitioning way but as an open crossdresser. Then everything changed again.
When I met my wife I had pretty much given up looking for a partner or hoping for a relationship. Now here was this new, precious aspect of my life that needed to be protected and safeguarded from risk.
I panicked. I purged all of Juliette's stuff and tried to clear out everything that was a reminder. It felt as if I had an 'either / or' choice ahead of me and there was no room for both of these things in my at the same time. So I made a choice to safeguard what I thought was my best chance at a happy future.
I'm sure we all know the rest of the story. Crossdressing is a part of my life and I can either suppress it and be miserable or I can let it breathe and enjoy it healthily. My wife found out and we spent many days, weeks, months and years working on our relationship. We still are. We needed to deal with the lies, betrayal, suspicions, doubts, shock and fear that this brought into our lives and this is why I've created this site and my YouTube channel.
My aim with this site is to advance the discussion a little on crossdressing men who don't want to transition. So one day someone like me will feel less inclined to hide their nature and deny who they are in fear of being judged or having to make a choice about their future.
There's a long way to go but it's time to add to the conversation and be counted.